August 25th, 2011- The day my world stopped

I miss my dad every second of every day, I can't stop thinking about him...so here's our story, from my perspective. Writing it all down helps me cope with what still seems to be a dream.

Run.

After a a pretty normal summer day with my friend's, around 5 o'clock I got a call from my brother asking why there were cop cars at our house, and immediately my stomach dropped. Without hesitating I jumped in my car and I drove the fastest I have ever driven in my entire life. I turned the corner of my street to see that the road was completely blocked on both sides by about 8 cop cars, and there was an ambulance in our driveway. I put my car in park, and ran. I ran so hard I ran right out of my shoes, and threw my keys. Nothing was going to prepare me for what I was about to hear.

Cry.

My mom was laying there in the hospital bed and the only thing that was repeating over and over again in my head were the words "Thank you God." That's the only thing I could think of while holding my mom's hand, not believing the situation that was unraveling.

I was sitting in the waiting room in the hospital after seeing the result of the most devastating act of desperation I've ever seen, when the social worker entered the room. My grandparents sat my brother and I down to tell us that they found our father, dead in his car. My brother and I cried for a long, long time.  As soon as they told us he was dead, from that moment on, his face never left my mind. Images of us on the boat in Maine, parasailing in florida, opening presents on christmas morning, etc...were racing through my head and haven't stopped to this day.

Dream.

One of the worst parts of this situation is not being able to sleep. My body literally fights me to fall asleep because it knows I have to wake up in the morning and relive this nightmare every single day. When I do get a few hours of sleep I dream the most realistic dreams. One dream I had was of my dad and I and we were on the dock in Maine, and everything was dark, except my dad, me and the lake were all glowing and sparkling. My dad and I always were joking around, punching each other, pushing each other off the dock, and my dream was exactly that, just like we used to be. Then finally he wrapped me in a big hug, the kind of hug you always remember.

Anger.

Why? Why why why why why why why. That word pierces my mind every second of every day. I don't understand why he felt like there was no other way out.

Why did you do this to yourself? Why did you do this to your family? I still need you. I need you every day, and you're not there.

I constantly re-think every conversation I've ever had with him, kicking myself for every fight we had, and for every time I got annoyed with him, just wishing and praying to God to let me be with him for just one more day.

Regret. 

If I could relive the day before his death all over again I would tell him so many things. How great of a dad he is, how much I appreciate everything he does for us...and I would give him a big hug and tell him how much I love him and how much I need him in my life.

Two weeks before his death I moved out of our house, I couldn't live there anymore for a few reasons. Mostly because my dad just wasn't himself anymore and him and my mom always fighting made the atmosphere extremely tense. Besides a few texts here and there, my dad and I did not speak for the entire two weeks before his death. It's like something from a movie... or one of those cheesy "say how you feel because you never know what tomorrow will bring" quotes, right? Well my life has become just that, a sick and twisted movie. I regret every second of those two weeks I spent not speaking to my father.

I never thought it was possible to miss somebody this much, so much to the point where it actually physically hurts inside. I have nothing but the best memories of my dad while growing up, and he really was the best father anyone could ask for. I dread the day of my wedding, when I know all I'm going to be thinking about is how much I wish he was here to walk me down the aisle, I dread the day I graduate college, because I know how proud he would have been and I know he would have been sitting right there in the front row...But most of all I dread the inevitable up-hill journey I'm about to embark on, knowing that he's never coming back.

Wishing

Sometimes I wish it was easy enough to just get up leave. I wish we had enough. Just enough to stop this train wreck. I wish I had the strength to change the things about myself I know are flawed. Most of all I wish I was on a beach somewhere with not a worry in the world, and just some sunshine and the sand beneath my feet. 

Maybe wishes are pointless...unless you turn your wishes into goals, and then turn those goals into reality. Be proactive in your own life. If you want happiness, go out there and find it. Turn that day dream you just had while sitting in your room staring at the ceiling and make it a reality.

The End of a Chapter

Tomorrow is my last day of classes, which also marks the end of my first year at college. Looking back on my first day of college, I could make an endless list of lessons I have learned since that very day. The girl who moved away from home on September 4th, 2010 is a completely different girl than I am today. I have made a lot of mistakes and I have been through a lot, but I am grateful for each and every lesson I have learned. It all made me a better person today and I know I will continue to grow as the years go on here at school. I feel like everything is, slowly but surely, coming together.

"Because that's what people do... they leap and hope to God they can fly. Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock... wondering the whole way down..."why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am, falling, and there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly."

-Hitch

Here's to busy weekends..

Well, here's to another busy weekend at home. I'd really like to take a moment to express how much I appreciate my family. They're truly wonderful!

Also I'd also like to dedicate this entry to the Prescott family. You all are in our prayers here in Northbridge. Please keep Sam, Hailey, and their parents in your thoughts and prayers as we start another new week.

You Lie

"So don't bring me those big brown eyes and tell me that you're sorry
Well you might as well throw gasoline on a fire
The way you lie"

Revelations

The current theme of my life recently has been "Everything happens for a reason." Which is a quote I have stood by for a long time. I've learned to appreciate all of the negative things that have happened in my life in the past few months because every one of those events has led me to something better. Whether it be a severed relationship, a severed friendship, or school issues, everything has happened for a reason. Event A happened so event B could be bigger and better than I ever thought possible. Over time I have been, slowly but surely, uncovering lie after lie and it makes me so grateful events played out like they have. By no means am I saying that I have done nothing wrong in the past, but it was a combination of my mistakes and different people coming in and out of my life that has helped shaped my life today.

"The more you know who you are and what you want,

the less you let things upset you."
- Lost in Translation

Spring Cleaning

Today I made a promise. 

Not a promise to a friend, not a family member, not a teacher, but I made a promise to myself. A promise that with this new spring season, I will create a new me. I know who I am and I'm not going to lose myself, but it's time for some "spring cleaning" of the soul. I will rid my life of the negatives. Why live your life in unhappiness and stress when there's a simple solution? Cut your ties with those who create havoc in your life, cut your ties with the drama, the stress, the bad eating habits, bad study habits...etc. Whatever it is that brings negativity into your life, clean it out. There's always room for improvement. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone, and most of all trust yourself. An author named Hunter S. Thompson once quoted:

"We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness." 

Learn to find happiness on your own. You don't have to go looking for it, it's right there within you. In a previous post I made a list of what makes me happy, and I bet I could think of a million more things. I have found happiness within myself and I won't let other things bring me down.

A Little Bit Stronger

"Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger"

Spring Break

Sorry I haven't written anything in forever! I just got back to school this week was my spring break. I'll update soon. Have a great week! :)

Happy St. Patty's Day!!

Love and Other Drugs

I watched the movie Love and Other Drugs last night...probably one of the sadder movies I've seen since the Notebook, and that's a pretty bold statement. I was taking a  break from studying and just wanted to watch a movie and fall asleep, so I rented this movie. It was so good, it was about a guy (Jake Gyllenhaal) who is a drug rep and openly sleeps around, and he meets a girl (Anne Hathaway) at a doctor's office and they both agree to have a strictly sexual friendship. Then, after a while they both start to develop feelings for each other but Anne Hathaway is constantly pushing Jake away because she has early level one Parkinson's disease and she thinks he is going to leave her when her sickness becomes too much to deal with. It was a great movie, I really enjoyed the humor and Jake and Anne had a really phenomenal connection and their characters were very believable. 

Even though it may seem easier to run from your problems...the only way you're going to become a stronger, more wise person is if you stay and deal with the problem. Try and fail as many times as it takes for you to finally succeed. When you are stuck in that moment when giving up seems like the only option, take a step back and think of all the reasons why you wanted this one thing so badly in the first place, and I promise you'll have a change of heart. I sure did!

Just a little hope for this rainy Wednesday...

"May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.

May songbirds serenade you every step along the way.

May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that's always blue.

And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through."

-Irish Blessing

Relax

Nothing like sitting on the beach on a sunny day, 

with the waves crashing and sparkling in the sun

*******

 “The waves of the sea, Help me get back to me.”

-Jill Davis

Words

Have you ever said a word over and over again 15 times in a row and that word starts to lose it's meaning? Try it, pick any random word and say it out loud over and over again. The word starts to sound weird after a while doesn't it? I think this same concept really applies to words that are said when you're in a relationship. Not just a romantic relationship, but also friendship. When in a relationship, there are certain special words that when said too much, can start to lose their meaning. Those words become progressively less and less special. Take the simple phrase "I miss you." If someone told you multiple times a day how much they missed you, it starts to lose it's meaning. Hearing something every once in a while really makes you believe that the person does miss you, as opposed to them saying it every other minute. Then you start to think does this person really miss me, or are they just saying it because they think they have to?

I think the same thing applies to objects such as presents, flowers, etc. Take flowers for example, if you got a bouquet of flowers every day from someone, how special would you think that is after a while? True, flowers are pretty don't get me wrong, I absolutely love them, but aren't they meant to be a symbol of affection and love? Every once in a while flowers are such a great gift to receive but in my opinion I think they are meant for special occasions when the time is right. I can find happiness in the smallest of gestures and it doesn't take much, but I think what really makes me happy are those little surprises, those random text messages, and the occasional "I miss you." It's a real shame when things you thought were beautiful in the past start to lose their meaning because they're thrown around like it's nothing.

Opinionated entry, I know, but I think life is best lived spontaneously and when everything is planned out or things are done because you think you have to, those things start to lose meaning. Just a thought for this sunny Sunday. Enjoy :)

"We built a tall, tall tower towards the sun, towards the sun

took some words and built a wall, and called it love, called it love

 And somewhere in all the talking the meaning faded out
Oh I wonder when did it all stop making sense
I don't understand, cause I remember we were so sure, so innocent

Oh but that was then, can we ever go back again?
You're speaking a dead, dead language, you don't sound like yourself
I hope it's just lost in translation, why don't you show, don't try to tell"

- Joy Williams

Weight

Whether you mean it in a concrete way, or an abstract way, if you really think about it "weight" plays such a large role in our society today. It could be physical weight, the "weight of the world", or even the weight of lies, no matter what it is, it plays a role in your life even if you don't realize it.

If you quote the song "The Weight of Lies" by the Avett Brothers, they say:
"The weight of lies will bring you down and follow you to every town, cause nothing happens here that doesn't happen there, when you run make sure you run to something and not away from, cause lies don't need an airplane to chase you anywhere"

I think everyone can relate to the last line "lies don't need an airplane to chase you anywhere." Everyone has told a lie once in their life, it has either been a little white lie, it could have been a huge lie that caused a lot of problems, or it could have been a lie that has stuck with you to this day. If you're trying to run from a lie you've told, like the song says, lies don't need an airplane to chase you anywhere, the are with you for the rest of your life. If you're trying to build a lasting relationship with someone, there's no way it's going to survive on lies. Even if the truth never comes out to the other person, like the first line in this song "the weight of lies will bring you down." So if you look at the bigger picture, in the long run, lies never benefit anyone even if it starts off as something small.

At other times, you could feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You and your significant other just broke up, your best friend and you are in a fight, you're getting bad grades in school, you have no money...it could be a combination of almost anything, but I'm sure everyone has had those days. Every once in a while I think everyone has those days where they just don't feel like themselves. I think those are some of the best days you can have. I know... why would one of the worst days you've had be your best? Well, I think they are great because though you may not be fully engaged in your social life, it gives you time to reflect on yourself and what's going on around you. It gives you time to really pin point what is lacking in your life and gives you the opportunity to better yourself. So next time you're having one of those off days where you feel like nothing is going right, take a second to really think about why you're feeling so down, and take that chance to say to yourself "Tomorrow I am going to wake up to a new day, and I'm going to be a better me."

Organic Chemistry

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been busy studying organic chemistry :( it's no fun! I'll write probably on wednesday if I get some time. Have a great week!

Friday!

Hey everyone,
So today is Friday and it's always a good day when you know you don't have classes tomorrow :)
I don't have anything exciting I want to write about really, just wishing everyone a happy weekend! I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs in the entire world! The lyrics ae really beautiful. Enjoy!

"We're like noughts and crosses in that opposites always attract" 

Colder Weather

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin'
You ain't ever gonna change
You got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'

Well it's a winding road
When you're in the lost and found
You're a lover, I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you, but I leave you
I don't want you, but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here

Distantly Close

In a previous post I mentioned the speech we had to do in my communications class, well today was the last day of speeches and it was a tough one. It seems so strange that I do not know any of these people personally and yet I feel like as a class we've all grown so close. Everyone's speeches had something to do with living life to the fullest because you never know what tomorrow is going to bring. A number of people shared very personal stories about family members and illness, which brought out a lot of emotions in the class. For example, I won't really go into detail but today a girl spoke about her mother being diagnosed with breast cancer and accompanied the story with the song "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel. In the middle of her speech our teacher literally got up and left. Everyone just looked around very confused and the girl continued her speech. After she finished, our teacher came back in and was crying a lot. She mentioned how her mother recently got diagnosed with breast cancer so it was just a lot for her to listen to. Then after a few minutes this one girl got up and handed her a bag of m&m's and said "I'm really sorry about your mom, this is all I have." It was such a simple thing, just a bag of candy, but I feel like since our class really has gotten kind of personal, the girl wanted to try and comfort our teacher.

Nobody in our class knows each other on a personal basis, and yet I somehow feel close to all of them simply from just listening to their speeches.

The speeches about losing family members to illness made me really realize something. There I was sitting in class, not in the best mood, and I'm listening to all these stories about losing parents, a family member getting diagnosed with breast cancer, and other hardships, and I started to wonder...why I am in such a bad mood, what's so bad about my life? I haven't lost anyone close to me, nor I or anyone I know has a serious illness, I should be happy. I shouldn't be sitting there over-analyzing petty situations and letting little things get to me. I have so much to be happy about and for that I am so grateful. It's funny how something so random, like your communications class, can make you realize so much. So here's a list I came up with in my head, which made me feel a million times better:

Things That Make me Happy:

1. Walking by someone on the street who is smiling to themselves- My favorite!
2. The Sun and the beach
3. Spring Time
4. Laughing so hard your stomach hurts
5. My friends and family
6. My medium bold hazelnut coffee from starbucks
7. Walking to class with my ipod on playing my favorite song
8. Meeting new people
9. The color pink
10. Baseball season (Can't wait for April 1st, first regular season game for the Red Sox!)
11. Chocolate milkshakes and french fries
12. Anything that involves chocolate
13. Sitting on the balcony of my building and watching the sun go down
14. Birds chirping- another sign of spring!
15. Fruit salad- random, but how can fruit salad not make you happy?!

 And the list goes on, but those are just things I thought of throughout the day that made me smile. Make a list of things that make you smile, I guarantee you'll feel wonderful by the end of it. Have a great evening :)

Changes

The world is full of change. Whether it's your scenery, friends, mood, the weather, everything's always changing. They could be positive changes, or negative changes, but either way you must learn to cope with them. Since the middle of my senior year up until the present I have gone through so many changes that are still hard to cope with from day to day. I lost a lot of people that I spent my entire life with that I thought were my friends, I'm experiencing my first year in college, all the while trying to juggle my friends, family, new relationships, old relationships, and most of all just trying to keep myself happy.

The way I see it is you have two options. 
Number one, you can sit there and dwell on how badly you want things to go back to the way they were before. Holding grudges and caging bitterness inside you will never, and I mean never, get you anywhere in this life. Every day there are some people who will go out of their way to make you miserable. I have learned a lot about those kinds of people, and the only reason why they try to make you miserable, is because they are miserable themselves. I do not see how that is a life. I don't understand how a person can live their life solely to make everyone around them unhappy. Be the other person, be the person who lives their life solely to make other people around them happy, but more importantly, live your life to make you happy.

And option number two...you can take these changes, turn them into a learning experience, and move on. Even though I went through some tricky experiences throughout my senior year and up until now, I feel like I have really learned how to take each negative and positive experience and turn it into a lesson. I do not regret a single thing that I've gone through in my life. I know for a fact all of the people who used to be in my life were just passing by and they left me behind a stronger, more experienced person than I was before.

The topic of change has recently been a big part of my life. I'd like to think I am in control of everything, I'm stubborn at times, and I like to figure things out for myself. But when something out of my control is happening, where does that leave me? It leaves me to prepare for another change. Another chance to become stronger, another chance to learn.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference."

-Reinhold Niebuhr

Beauty

Today I had to give a speech on a song that meant something to us. I don't understand how I do it, but I literally black out every time I have to give a speech, and I still manage to do a pretty decent job. I'm pretty sure I deserved an F...but I got a B+. The unconscious me must be doing something right!

I wrote the speech based on the song Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe. I actually really love what I wrote the speech about. I based the speech off of the fact that people have different opinions on what is beautiful. For example, one person may find the simplest things beautiful, such as a smile, a hug, or even just a pretty flower. On the other hand, another person may not think any of those things are beautiful, and they may prefer something much more complex such as rock climbing a huge mountain (or something like that). In my speech I quoted a french writer named Stendhal, he said "Beauty is the promise of happiness." I really love this quote because, personally, I think it holds a lot of truth. Being able to find the beauty in every day life is a vital part of happiness. You just have to find something that you think is beautiful and hold on to it. If it makes you happy, fight for it. Fight for the things you think are beautiful, and never let them go.

"Hey now, this is my desire, consume me like a fire, 

'cause I just want something beautiful to touch me,  

I know that I'm in reach 

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

 Oh, something beautiful"

- Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe

Keep the Joy!

My mom and I love watching Joel Osteen, here's one of his programs called Keep the Joy, I find myself being able to relate to what he's preaching every day! He's very inspirational and really talks about topics that are relevant to every day life.

Snowy Sunday

This morning I went to church, like usual, and there were three things that really caught my attention.

First off, the very first thought at the top of the bulletin today quoted Mitzi Chandler saying:
"I used to worry about what life was for, now being alive seems sufficient reason."

I love this quote! I love it because it's so simple, yet hold so much meaning. Every day a lot of people take life for granted and miss out on the beautiful little things in life. Such as a conversation with a family member, a child smiling, a red robin sitting in a tree covered with the whitest snow, your morning coffee, or even just being alive. Being able to see, touch, taste, smell...simply just live.

I did a little research on who exactly Mitzi Chandler is, and it turns out she was brought up in a household where alcoholism was just a part of your average day. She now is a clinical counselor in alcohol rehab centers in Chicago and St. Louis, gives lectures and writes books on the healing process for do-dependents and adult children of alcoholics. This is such a wonderful example of how growing up in a "broken" household does not have to dictate the way you live your adult life. Mitzi took something horribly negative and turned it into something that has changed hundreds of peoples' lives.

Something else that caught my attention was a beautiful hymn that the choir sang called Frostiana by Thompson. Now when I first heard the song it sounded so familiar it was driving me nuts, and finally I realized it was a poem I have heard so many times. The poem The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, was turned into this beautifully sung hymn that was so familiar to me. This poem is so wonderful because it is something I truly believe everyone is faced with at least once in their lives: "Which road should I take?"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Sometimes taking the road less traveled by really does make all the difference. Why follow in everyone else's footsteps when you have the option to discover something new, and possibly discover something new about yourself? Just something to think about :)

And lastly, something else that caught my attention.. the scripture selection today, coincidentally, was Matthew 6:24-34. I find this a coincidence because my good friend Kyle commented on my first blog entry on Friday saying that it was one of his favorite verses and he thought I'd enjoy it. Well apparently God thought I'd enjoy it too because that was the main scripture selection today, great minds think alike right? =p

Well that's all for right now, hope you enjoyed :), I'm off to practice my speech for my communications class! Have a wonderful snowy Sunday everyone.

Brie

Wishing it was summer!

My First Entry...

So I really wanted to start writing in something like this, because I feel like I need a better way to get out how I'm feeling. Many who are close to me know I always have trouble putting what I really want to say into words at the most important times.

Well, I guess for starters I should explain what I've been doing in the past few months. I am a freshman nursing student at the University of Rhode Island, in the midst of my second semester. At the beginning of my first semester I went through many complications, including three different roommates, sickness, Simba (our golden retriever) passing away, and I was faced with many decisions that, little did I know at the time, would actually really change my life.

I feel like during my first semester I had the typical college experience, went to parties, frat houses, met hundreds of new people, made life-long friends, lost some who I thought were my friends, dealt with a lot of drama, break-ups, basically everything you could experience in three months, I experienced. I thank God every second for every little thing I went through. I really feel like I have grown so much, and I'm starting to get myself together. The past few months have been absolutely crazy, but being at school this second semester I really have figured out a lot about myself.

Being away at school has made me so appreciative of my family. I've met so many people here that are literally on their own and their family doesn't help them that much, which has made me so grateful for mine. I can't even imagine where I would be without everyone in my family. I absolutely love my huge, loving family and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I know for a fact if I was ever in any sort of trouble, I could go to any of them for help and they'd be right by my side every step of the way, and for that I am so very grateful. Everyone from my mom, dad, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, I love you all so much, thank you for everything!
(P.S. just have to give a shout out to Jessica Ann Hogan, thanks for being there me through everything, even when no one else was on my side, you always saw the real me through anything, and that I can't thank you enough. Love you <3 )

I also wanted to write about the amazing experience I've been having at Kingston Congregational church! A little birdie told me that I really need to get a routine going while I'm here because it would really help with the craziness of it all. I thought of nothing better than to try going to church every Sunday while I'm here. I found the closest congregational church, which is literally right across from campus, and I went by myself one Sunday maybe two months ago. It's a beautiful old white chapel church, with the most welcoming and kind souls I've ever met. The first time I went I sat by myself in the back pew, silently enjoyed the service, and left. I really loved it there, so I decided to go the next week as well. The next time I went, in the back pew where I sat previously was a little old woman, so I got her attention and asked if I could sit with her. We started talking and turns out her name is Sunny. Sunny is the sweetest woman, and we talked for a long time actually and it turns out she was quite the phenomenal tennis player. This interested me very much because I had gotten into tennis before I left high school and grew very fond of it. Well soon every Sunday I would go to King Cong (that's what the locals call it!) and I would sit with Sunny and she would tell me the same exact joke as she told me every Sunday (which I still think is funny each time she tells it). Soon Sunny introduced me to some of her friends, and it turns out one of her friends is a professor in the College of Nursing at URI, and another one of her friends is the retired Dean of Nursing at URI! The professor that I had met actually invited me to her office so we could chat about the nursing program and how the semester is going, so I went on Wednesday. She is a really nice lady and I'm so grateful that going to church has given me all these great opportunities within my studies here at URI.

I'm 18 years old, and I'm still not exactly sure of what I believe in, where I'm going, or who I should be, but I do know I'm on the right path to figuring it out.

Far away in the sunshine are my highest inspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see the beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they lead.  -Louisa May Alcott